Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
