My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
