I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
