tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize