Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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