dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
