i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
