Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
