why didn't you poke me back
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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