I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She's the barista slut.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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