This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
