I think I won the penis lottery.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
