You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
