Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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