I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
