I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
