apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize