Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize