youre lurking in front of me
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
