i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
