Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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