not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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