So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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