We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
