is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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