I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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