I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
