Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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