I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Farmville is her only friend.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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