Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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