I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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