Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
