don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
