I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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