Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
