I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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