just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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