Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
