just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
