I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
