A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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