Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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