No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
