I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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