genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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