A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is classic penis vs brain.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
