My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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