I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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