So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
