i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
