there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i think my cat just said my name.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
A bitchslap is in order.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
