So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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