I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I need moral support for this bender
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
