I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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