How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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