Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
