i don't like sucking hair
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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