if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
