The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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