I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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