on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
