I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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