im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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