im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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