i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
